Reset
by farfetched4
Summary: Ash is unsure about the future, and Gary helps... in his own brand of confusing help. They both get something from it though. Palletshipping, Gary/Ash.


By the lake, silhouetted by the faint sheen of reflected moonbeams, stands a figure. Absent of the usual yellow Pikachu that graces his shoulder and his hat, Ash Ketchum feels almost like a normal trainer, except he isn't. He doesn't feel like one at all: most people have hobbies, interests outside their 'career', if Pokémon training could be considered such. He has nothing, and it irks him. It isn't that he doesn't love Pokémon and training them, but recently, thoughts have begun to creep up on him about, for example, _life_. What would he do if he suddenly lost his trainer's licence? Not that he would, but if he did, he found that he would have absolutely nothing to fill the massive void in his life.

What if he isn't destined to be one of the lucky few who actually make a living out of Pokémon training? He might as well curl up in his room and forget about the world, for all the use he would bring to it. He'd become some recluse, left to look out of his window and look at the pokéballs on the shelf and wonder what could have been. He'd look to his friends to, perhaps, find that they'd moved far beyond him: maybe Max would be the Petalburg Gym Leader, May and Dawn at the top of co-ordinating, Brock a world-renown breeder, and all the others, peering at his sorry state from high up positions, and- _ugh_.

Ash none-too-lightly smacks his head onto the wooden fence he leans against, screwing his eyes up tight and clenching his fists. He hates thinking like this. It had been alright, while he was travelling around, Pokémon filling his brain and time and heart, and he could very easily let it. But now, settling at home for a 'break', it all began bubbling up, worry and trepidation about the future. The niggling thoughts that he is becoming a minority: quite a few of the kids his age are beginning to discuss their futures, like which town they want to settle in, and for the ones who have continued schooling, which university or research group they want to join. Things about partners. It isn't that they've forgotten about Pokémon, just set them on the back burner as an enjoyable part of life, a hobby.

Maybe that's what worries him most. If he puts Pokémon training to a less high priority in his life, what does he replace it with? He's not clever enough to join a research facility, not stationary enough to become a gym leader, not good enough to become one of an Elite Four or even a champion.

He grasps his head, threading his hands through his hair and pressing, hoping some kind of pain will jolt him out of it, back to an optimistic smile and a bright outlook on everything. Else he could jump in the lake for a less subtle method.

It's not working like it's supposed to.

Swallowed in his mental churning, Ash fails to notice footsteps approaching him, light smirk accompanying them, until Gary actually leans on the fence next to him. He looks up in shock, then realises that he probably has a massive red mark on his forehead where he'd pressed it to the fence, and turns back to the lake, dropping his hands to rest lightly on the fence, and he resists the urge to twist them together.

"Found ya'."  
>With the new presence, he's forcibly reminded of the person who's already made the transition from trainer to researcher, almost seamlessly. Suddenly, he doesn't want to cope with Gary, or anything. He regrets not bringing Pikachu as a distraction, or the cap to hide his face with.<p>

It's just another thing Gary does consistently better than Ash: and frankly, he's not prepared to put up with having Gary's superiority shoved in his face, whether Gary intends it or not.

It takes a little while for his rival's actual words to break through.  
>"'<em>Found me<em>'? You were looking?" Ash misses the incredulous look Gary shoots him.  
>"According to your mother, you've been home two weeks already. I was wondering how I hadn't at least heard you, let alone seen you around." Ash flushes in embarrassment, slightly annoyed. Trust Gary to indirectly tell him he was acting strange, and yet insult him at the same time. Perhaps he had begun his isolation before he'd realised, and then Ash actually thinks about it, and realises that this is the first time he's been out of the house since he got back home. Like hell he'd tell Gary though.<p>

"I was around, you just didn't see me..." He mumbles fairly indistinctly, hoping that it passes.

"Really. Because no one else has seen you either. Have you been hiding?" A few years ago, there would have been an acidic tilt to Gary's voice, indicating that he never should have come out of hiding. It wasn't there now, but the memory of caustic words leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

"I haven't! I'm taking a break. I'm letting my Pokémon rest." _And letting my mind run away_, Ash adds silently, refusing to meet Gary's observant gaze.

"For two weeks? You're usually gone in less than four days! What's up?" Gary has always been the one who sidles up closest to his psyche, notices any difference in his routines and identifies the faults. Perhaps he's already worked it out, just waiting to get confirmation so he can proclaim yet another thing he's better at.

"Nothing's 'up'. I'm fine." He wants to tag a biting _leave me alone_ on the end, but that really isn't him and it would probably have the opposite effect.

They stand in silence for a long while, and Ash hopes Gary has got the hint that he doesn't want or need the psychoanalysis he may or may not be receiving. A light breeze swirls around them, gently waving their clothes and hair, along with the grass and tree branches. A few disgruntled Pidgey chirp sleepily at the disturbance, while a Magikarp lurks at the surface of the lake, catching some minuscule insects. The moon continues its assent, showing him that while it isn't late per say, it isn't early either. He almost forgets that he has company, sighing and rubbing his eyes in a sleepless tiredness.

"D'ya want to get something to eat?" Ash doesn't even have to think about it.  
>"No, I'm not hungry right now." About halfway through 'now', Ash considers that perhaps it was more of a test than an actual offer, and tries not to grimace. He's fallen right into it, as evidenced by Gary's reply.<p>

"Now you have to tell me what's wrong. Ash Ketchum never refuses food."

"It's just-" He toys with telling his rival-turned-friend, turning a bit to Gary, but then he catches sight of that white lab coat, symbol of science everywhere. It's already acquired a layer of chemical dust, as much a part of the fabric as the threads themselves - and he's thrown back to how Gary is always a step ahead of him, not always literally, but in absolutely everything. He turns away again, unable to face that, even though he knows that Gary has changed, trying desperately to pretend there aren't tears forming at the corners of his eyes, or a clog in his throat.

How can he tell someone who probably doesn't care, or wouldn't understand? Gary quit while he was ahead, and has stayed there, resolutely, even though he no longer battles. All his life, he's only seen Gary's back as Ash started what his rival had already finished or disregarded.

He's lost the will to be laughed at, to be mocked by Gary. A small part of his mind whispers that it wouldn't happen, but he doesn't know if he can trust Gary not to break him down to pieces again.

"Ash..?" Gary murmurs quietly, barely reaching him. However, Ash decides that he's going to escape, and somehow pulls a smile from somewhere, although he can't quite muster the courage to face his rival.

"I'm f-fine! I'm fine." He doesn't like how his voice shudders, as if he's trying to persuade himself as much as Gary. He doesn't need persuading, Ash knows he's perfectly alright, he's just going through a patch of doubt. Tomorrow morning, he'll be right as rain, getting a map out and picking a region.

On the other hand, he could be the same as he was this morning, and the last few mornings.  
>The tears run down his face before he even realises, making him freeze. It's not quite dark enough to cover it up, and, to be honest, he just wants to get out of there. Even the lake waters look surprisingly appealing as some form of escape.<p>

He tries desperately not to let his voice break up once again.  
>"I'm g-going home." And fails, like usual. Snidely, he internally remarks that Gary would never have gotten into such a situation, would have been able to brush him off with ease. A bitter taste overwhelms him, and he chokes back a sob; mortified, he makes to leave until he's stopped by a hand wrapping around his wrist. Gary pulls him a bit closer, but he resists.<p>

"Let go!" Now Ash is both confused _and_ upset. He hates feeling this way, the same way he has done for years around Gary, always so inferior and yet unable to stop chasing his rival, some kind of masochistic desire to see the one that makes him feel awful and stupid, and yet a warped kind of happiness. He knows that going to all the regions so far was just following Gary, and wonders if his whole life is going to be a convoluted mess of stepping in the shadow of his rival.

Gary, however, doesn't relinquish his grip.

"Gary, _please_! Let me go!" He still struggles, reducing himself to pleading, and yet Gary has always been that bit stronger than him and eventually tugs him a lot closer, bodies pressed together. Ash quickly stops pulling away, if only because lightning seems to crackle wherever they touch, and not moving makes it easier to control. He imagines Gary to be smirking, pleased with yet another victory over Ash, as his rival wraps his arms around Ash's chest, ensuring that he won't escape.

It's strange. Not a bad kind of strange, which conversely makes it a bad kind of strange just because it should be. Ash should _not_ like being in this position, shouldn't feel safe, shouldn't feel protected or happy or anything good because he isn't. If anything, it's probably the most vulnerable position he could be in, and he's sure Gary knows this, playing on it... Yet his heart tells him to relax into it, lean against his rival and take comfort in it, which is weird because it's Gary. His mind tells him to be tense, ready for any move, like in a battle. He follows his mind (for once, as many people might tell him) and doesn't shift, alert for movement.

"Ya know, I never hated you." Gary whispers directly into his ear, breath sliding over Ash's skin causing it to prickle. There's a note of vulnerability to it, which is impossible, Ash thinks, since it's his rival speaking those words to him... "Teasing you was fun, but I never did it because I hated ya."  
>Ash has grown up thinking that, the only conclusion as to why Gary might like squashing his every achievement. Getting ten badges when he only needed eight. Every degrading word and step ahead was assumed to be out of hatred, because what else could propel someone to constantly enrage someone else, showing off that superiority at every turn?<p>

"I wanted ya to look at no one else but me."  
>Ash bring his hands up to his eyes, trying to ignore Gary's arms and wipes the residual moisture away, giving himself some time to think. Four, five, six years of mental torture for attention? It doesn't make any sense, at all, and something in him whispers that it can't be the whole truth. But for now, it's all he has to go on.<p>

"What?" He breathes, lowering his hands once more, trying to grasp everything.  
>"It was the only way I could think of to make you always think of me, spurring ya on, making yourself better to beat me. Because I-" Ash feels Gary gulp, and almost laughs at the thought of his overconfident rival having to gather courage. "Because I love ya." Whatever thoughts Ash had gathered are sprayed apart again, those simple yet complicated words forcing him to change everything he thought he might have known. He isn't stupid enough to think that Gary means familial or friendly love, and that scares him too.<p>

"But..." What is he supposed to say? _You could have had anyone you wanted? Why me? Why?_ He's not sure, but he spews out several questioning words and noises, and Gary seems to understand that he's confused. His rival releases one hand to slowly trail a finger across Ash's jaw as he talks.  
>"I don't know why. It's never been anyone else though. Do ya hate me?"<br>Ash barely utters a weak no, eyes wide and breath shuddering with the overload of information. It forces him to also question what he felt towards his rival, labelled as hatred or competitiveness because that would be normal. But now he isn't sure if it ever was that.  
>Perhaps all those dreams of his rival had meant something. Perhaps each spark of happiness at seeing spiky chestnut hair, hearing that voice, seeing green eyes glitter in amusement (even though it was usually at his own expense) meant something.<br>Maybe all the worrying over his rival done privately meant something, although who knew _what_.

It doesn't seem quite like rivalry to him. Just as intense, but not so vicious - Ash has only had a few people as rivals (and for however many years, he believed Gary was merely one of them, yet it was never the same) and- he pauses mentally. Maybe that was it. _It was never the same_. Gary had always been a special case, outside of his usual spectrum of emotions.

He breaks out of his reverie at the same moment Gary spins him around, still so close together and yet it's so much more real, seeing the doubt and hesitation in Gary's eyes, all the weak emotions he thought his rival didn't have the capacity to feel, and Gary's lips are on his before he quite remembers how to breathe again. It's not natural, he's never done this before at all (or even really thought about it much) but somehow it feels right. It's intoxicating, strangely beautiful and still confusing, he knows he wants it but isn't sure why, and he'll need a lot more time to think about this because he's slower than his rival, always has been. He still minds that fact, but maybe not quite as much anymore.

They part, and Ash presses his face into Gary's shoulder in an attempt to calm his mind, control whirling thoughts and simmer burning emotions. Gary seems to understand it isn't a rejection either, as he continues to hold him, not minding as he feels Ash's tears wet his clothes. It doesn't matter.

"Will ya tell me? What ya were upset about?" Ash barely hears him over the roaring of blood in his ears.

"It's... Nothing. Compared to that. I mean..." _I think you solved some of it right there, Gary,_ is what he'd like to say, although he can't quite form it. "I was just... thinking about stuff. I'll tell you... some other time." Gary ruffles the hair on the back of his head, and despite the fact he's not used to the contact, it still feels nice. Comforting. All these things he's never really associated with Gary before. (He hopes that will change)

Eventually they separate, hands still connected though Ash can't quite remember when they were linked. Gary watches him with a smile, more at ease than Ash thinks he's ever seen his rival, and idly tells him that they'll 'work it out'.

He's not too sure what that means, but it doesn't sound bad to him.  
>"Yeah. We will." He mirrors his rival's smile, even as they go to their different homes and he's left with a million more things to think about, but it doesn't seem quite so much of a burden anymore. <p>

* * *

><p>There are quite a few things I'm not really happy with in the fic, but I don't think I could change much to make me completely happy, so I posted it nonetheless. I hope you enjoyed it, and that they both seem right...? I watched a few episodes with their interactions, and despite how I don't really like either of their dub voices (I couldn't find any of the original voices though, any help?), I tried to base their speech patterns a bit on that.<p>

I was thinking this was maybe after Sinnoh and before Unova, but I've only watched isolated episodes and I'm not up to date with it at all, so it might be right out of sync.  
>Thank you for reading!<p> 


End file.
